My most recent demon…

I was recently asked a question. This question caused thoughts, wicked thoughts.

“When are you having your next one?”


I died inside. I want another child, so bad. But, I’ve been told it will be difficult for me to conceive again. I was diagnosed with PCOS two years ago. Polycystical ovarian syndrome.


Multiple cysts that cover the ovary’s. Super right? Blah… one of those cysts turned into a mass. That mass was double the size of my right ovary… so like any doctor would suggest… unilateral oophorectomy. Only one was removed, but it doesn’t make it any easier to conceive.



My daughter wants a sister… or brother. She never understands how much it hurts me when she asks.

I hate this curse that is mine to carry. It is the one and only demon that I have yet to conquer. I don’t see it happening in the near future….

But they say it’s not impossible to conceive…. difficult. But not impossible.


I’ve heard stories… of multiple miscarriages, false positives due to hormones. It all sounds horrible.

PCOS in and of itself is horrible. I can’t lose weight, my cycle was so out of whack that I just wound up getting an IUD. I was already dealing with mental illness, but I’m sure the hormonal psychosis in my body didn’t help. Back to the weight… that in and of itself is its own demon. The PCOS is its sidekick. I’ve always been bigger, since age 12. Bigger and bigger, but never really smaller. I mean, I’ll lose 23 pounds. But you best believe it doesn’t stay away long, and when it does come back? It brings friends! Super, right? No. Not for someone like me who already has really bad body image issues.


My demon tortures me, and breaks me. It is unforgiving and two faced as hell. I worry for the future…. but I can say I’m trying to fight it. That I am trying to stand up and go for what I want. All I can do…. right?


Until next time I suppose….


I have concurred my demon! It finally took a weight of 237 pounds to get me to the right doc that did the right tests and prescribed the right meds. 6 months after my diagnosis, I now bounce between 196 and 206. Along with the official diagnosis of PCOS I was also diagnosed with hyper insulinemia. Meaning… my accelerated weight gain was caused by my insulin levels being in the 50’s. Normal for a woman my age is around 25. Crazy right? I still fight it occasionally but I’ve concurred it none the less.


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