My most recent demon…

I was recently asked a question. This question caused thoughts, wicked thoughts.

“When are you having your next one?”


I died inside. I want another child, so bad. But, I’ve been told it will be difficult for me to conceive again. I was diagnosed with PCOS two years ago. Polycystical ovarian syndrome.


Multiple cysts that cover the ovary’s. Super right? Blah… one of those cysts turned into a mass. That mass was double the size of my right ovary… so like any doctor would suggest… unilateral oophorectomy. Only one was removed, but it doesn’t make it any easier to conceive.



My daughter wants a sister… or brother. She never understands how much it hurts me when she asks.

I hate this curse that is mine to carry. It is the one and only demon that I have yet to conquer. I don’t see it happening in the near future….

But they say it’s not impossible to conceive…. difficult. But not impossible.


I’ve heard stories… of multiple miscarriages, false positives due to hormones. It all sounds horrible.

PCOS in and of itself is horrible. I can’t lose weight, my cycle was so out of whack that I just wound up getting an IUD. I was already dealing with mental illness, but I’m sure the hormonal psychosis in my body didn’t help. Back to the weight… that in and of itself is its own demon. The PCOS is its sidekick. I’ve always been bigger, since age 12. Bigger and bigger, but never really smaller. I mean, I’ll lose 23 pounds. But you best believe it doesn’t stay away long, and when it does come back? It brings friends! Super, right? No. Not for someone like me who already has really bad body image issues.


My demon tortures me, and breaks me. It is unforgiving and two faced as hell. I worry for the future…. but I can say I’m trying to fight it. That I am trying to stand up and go for what I want. All I can do…. right?


Until next time I suppose….


I have concurred my demon! It finally took a weight of 237 pounds to get me to the right doc that did the right tests and prescribed the right meds. 6 months after my diagnosis, I now bounce between 196 and 206. Along with the official diagnosis of PCOS I was also diagnosed with hyper insulinemia. Meaning… my accelerated weight gain was caused by my insulin levels being in the 50’s. Normal for a woman my age is around 25. Crazy right? I still fight it occasionally but I’ve concurred it none the less.


Another chance…

So I moved out. Thought I had found a great group of friends to live with… and consequently hang our with. I was told I belong…. so I gave it a shot. I became an associate.


I thought things were great. But it came to light that I didn’t have the dedication needed to do the associate club. So I did what I felt was best. I pulled my “big sister” aside and explained it to her, then said I was pulling my candidacy and cut my front patch off of my vest.

Thought things were fine… I was back on the job hunt and shortly after found a job. I was kind of excited about the job. The night that I was hired, I was also informed of the “office saying only one of us could be claimed by the friend we were living with.” It was then that I was informed that it was me to go, because the other was “club.” So I figured whatever…. I mean yeah. I was upset. The only reason I was allowed there was because I was a candidate. But it was onward and upward. I assumed that I would get the typical 30 days to move on…. turns out I was only supposed to have 2 weeks. So after a rather intense conversation I decided to head to bed. I had also been told that the associate sleeping on the couch had to ‘move’ as well… turns out lies only work if you run em by everyone first. She was taking over the bedroom the kids slept it….


I decided to get a move on the next day. Woke up, smoked a cigarette, then started packing. 8 hours later I was loading my belongings into the back of a friend’s truck. I didn’t want to stick around where I wasn’t wanted. I left after that, and I did not look back. However, that still leaves me in limbo as it were. I know where I’m going and I know how I am getting there, I just don’t know when I am going. I don’t like that feeling.. but at least I have a fresh start ahead of me. A blank page and a new beginning. I try to surround myself with positivity now, I’ve spent this entire time with my daughter, my mother and my grandmother.


My plan from here is easy. Get to Ohio, get a job, find an apartment, and go from there. I wont be trying to make friends, or find a date. If those things happen, they will happen. But they will happen in time, I need to focus on me right now. My daughter will stay with my mother in Colorado, for now. Around Christmas time she will be joining me, I’ll more then likely drive out and get her. There are good schools where I’m going, and my father has horses. She loves the animals, and working in the garden with him.

This is good. It’s something that needs to happen, and it is a situation in which I can actually survive. I look forward to this new life. And honestly? It’ll be nice to get out of the jungle and back to the country. I fit in there.