Ohio was a no go. My daughter had the worst time with it, so bad she actually was placed in a pediatric psychiatric unit two hours from where we lived. She was diagnosed with SSAD (severe separation anxiety disorder). With that disorder came meds, a lot of them. As well as depression, mood swings, auditory hallucinations and more therapy then either of us could handle.
I made the decision to come home to Colorado where we both belong. We’ve been back since the beginning of April. I’m proud to say the hallucinations are gone, the depression is gone, as are the mood swings. She’s happy and care free again. She’s doing amazing in school and best of all? No meds! My little love is herself again.
I have a lot of issues with social anxiety but I’m working through them. Slowly, but I am trying.
Thoughts are killing me.
Ideas… of what to do and where to go.
I’m beyond stressed. I feel I am failing my daughter. I’m an unfortunate mess of I don’t know’s and what the fuck’s…
I face possible homelessness because I can’t find a job, and even if I do I doubt I will pass the credit check. What does this mean for me? I will lose EVERYTHING I hold near and dear to the shattered mess I call a heart. I’ve exhausted all resources…. I’ll lose my daughter. I’ll lose my family, both of them. I’ll lose the Girls Next Door, and the club… I’ll lose what dignity I have left. Eventually I’ll lose my sanity because I won’t have insurance, meaning… I won’t be able to afford my meds. I’m lost, so very lost….
I suppose I could go live with old man in Ohio. But his wife hates me, bad enough that her hysterectomy was my fault… then I’d end up homeless in Waverly, OH. For the win, right?
We were happy, right?
What happened? Why did it come to you running to her? What did she have that I didn’t? You wanted to ask me to marry you not even 2 months before, I would’ve said yes because I wanted it too. Why can’t I stop thinking of you? Of us? Of the last two years?
Why can’t you leave my mind? Why do you still have the power to make me cry?
You haunt my dreams… my thoughts… my every breath. How do I make you disappear? How do I block the memory of you?
I gave my all. I tried so very hard to save you from your thoughts. I wanted a family with you Did I make you happy at all? Did you ever find solace in my arms? My embrace?
Why are you still on my mind? And why can’t I make you leave?