Thoughts are killing me.
Ideas… of what to do and where to go.
I’m beyond stressed. I feel I am failing my daughter. I’m an unfortunate mess of I don’t know’s and what the fuck’s…
I face possible homelessness because I can’t find a job, and even if I do I doubt I will pass the credit check. What does this mean for me? I will lose EVERYTHING I hold near and dear to the shattered mess I call a heart. I’ve exhausted all resources…. I’ll lose my daughter. I’ll lose my family, both of them. I’ll lose the Girls Next Door, and the club… I’ll lose what dignity I have left. Eventually I’ll lose my sanity because I won’t have insurance, meaning… I won’t be able to afford my meds. I’m lost, so very lost….
I suppose I could go live with old man in Ohio. But his wife hates me, bad enough that her hysterectomy was my fault… then I’d end up homeless in Waverly, OH. For the win, right?
We were happy, right?
What happened? Why did it come to you running to her? What did she have that I didn’t? You wanted to ask me to marry you not even 2 months before, I would’ve said yes because I wanted it too. Why can’t I stop thinking of you? Of us? Of the last two years?
Why can’t you leave my mind? Why do you still have the power to make me cry?
You haunt my dreams… my thoughts… my every breath. How do I make you disappear? How do I block the memory of you?
I gave my all. I tried so very hard to save you from your thoughts. I wanted a family with you Did I make you happy at all? Did you ever find solace in my arms? My embrace?
Why are you still on my mind? And why can’t I make you leave?
Back against the wall, sliding down as the tears begin to fall. Why does it happen this way? When does it stop hurting?
I go through journals; pages and pages of bad decisions, stains on the pages from tears, and quite a few regrets. I know they say to never regret your past, but what if you fucked up so bad that you wrecked your future? I am who I am today because of those regrets… I get this. But, had I stayed in school… I could have been done with Med School by now. Had I stayed in Colorado in 2006….. a little boy might have had the chance to actually know his mother. So many horrible, painful memories of what happened and what could have been. Funny thing, this evil called regret. You know you shouldn’t, but the what-if’s are just to good to pass up.
Two years gone this week. We’ve been through so much. But some things can’t be forgiven. I now face my reflection and wonder where to go from here.
To the future??? Buckle up, I guess.