Thoughts are killing me.
Ideas… of what to do and where to go.
I’m beyond stressed. I feel I am failing my daughter. I’m an unfortunate mess of I don’t know’s and what the fuck’s…
I face possible homelessness because I can’t find a job, and even if I do I doubt I will pass the credit check. What does this mean for me? I will lose EVERYTHING I hold near and dear to the shattered mess I call a heart. I’ve exhausted all resources…. I’ll lose my daughter. I’ll lose my family, both of them. I’ll lose the Girls Next Door, and the club… I’ll lose what dignity I have left. Eventually I’ll lose my sanity because I won’t have insurance, meaning… I won’t be able to afford my meds. I’m lost, so very lost….
I suppose I could go live with old man in Ohio. But his wife hates me, bad enough that her hysterectomy was my fault… then I’d end up homeless in Waverly, OH. For the win, right?
We were happy, right?
What happened? Why did it come to you running to her? What did she have that I didn’t? You wanted to ask me to marry you not even 2 months before, I would’ve said yes because I wanted it too. Why can’t I stop thinking of you? Of us? Of the last two years?
Why can’t you leave my mind? Why do you still have the power to make me cry?
You haunt my dreams… my thoughts… my every breath. How do I make you disappear? How do I block the memory of you?
I gave my all. I tried so very hard to save you from your thoughts. I wanted a family with you Did I make you happy at all? Did you ever find solace in my arms? My embrace?
Why are you still on my mind? And why can’t I make you leave?
Two years in a relationship. Two years as someone new.
I now find myself alone again, by choice mind you, but I also find myself noticing this unfamiliar reflection in the mirror. Almost as if I look, and I see…but there is someone new staring back. I always swear that I will never change myself for someone, but it seems I typically do. You’d think I would learn my lesson already. I really dont understand it.
Now I find myself in this predicament. Being accused of being in a biker gang. Correction… Motorcycle Club. They do charity stuff, they’re mostly parents, for fuck sake… they have pajama parties. I don’t see how they can be dangerous. Family is huge to them. Yes they have one night a week that they do party… one. Where’s the danger? Where are the crates of drugs and guns? No where. I wish people would learn to swallow their judgements.
I don’t have Caeleigh. Because I have been here. Because she was here. I’m being threatened for my child to be taken from me. Because she was up late one night, here, roasting marshmallows and getting dirty as kids typically do. But that was me not caring about her. That was me not paying attention to her. That was me putting others ahead of my daughter. I will get her on weekends but I will not be allowed to bring her here. I’m so trapped. I’m a good parent. But having some sort of social contact is big to me. 29 years old, and I’m not allowed to raise my child as I see fit. Ugh…
Back against the wall, sliding down as the tears begin to fall. Why does it happen this way? When does it stop hurting?
I go through journals; pages and pages of bad decisions, stains on the pages from tears, and quite a few regrets. I know they say to never regret your past, but what if you fucked up so bad that you wrecked your future? I am who I am today because of those regrets… I get this. But, had I stayed in school… I could have been done with Med School by now. Had I stayed in Colorado in 2006….. a little boy might have had the chance to actually know his mother. So many horrible, painful memories of what happened and what could have been. Funny thing, this evil called regret. You know you shouldn’t, but the what-if’s are just to good to pass up.
Two years gone this week. We’ve been through so much. But some things can’t be forgiven. I now face my reflection and wonder where to go from here.
To the future??? Buckle up, I guess.
The heart is so easily hurt. I find myself cuddling a bottle of Boone’s Farm and weeping periodically, trying so very hard to figure why I am in this heart break motel yet again.
Boy likes girl.
Girl likes boy.
That’s how it is supposed to go. Right? I’m 29, almost 30, and this stupid love concept has my head all kinds of twisted. So bent out of shape… over what? These emotions I feel…. I love him. But I want to destroy her in a fit of rage. It really isn’t good, this rage feeling. I don’t like it. My chest is tight, my stomach hurts and I feel like I am going to hurl. Perhaps I should ground myself? Sigh… later.
I’m lost right now. My heart is an idiot and wants to go the other way. My brain is telling me to never look back. Ugh.
How do you ask a question like that? How does he say he loves me after what he did? I once called her friend…even saw more in her then anyone realised. But now?
I’m not sure what to do, think or say…. I need more alcohol.