Another chance…

So I moved out. Thought I had found a great group of friends to live with… and consequently hang our with. I was told I belong…. so I gave it a shot. I became an associate.

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I thought things were great. But it came to light that I didn’t have the dedication needed to do the associate club. So I did what I felt was best. I pulled my “big sister” aside and explained it to her, then said I was pulling my candidacy and cut my front patch off of my vest.

Thought things were fine… I was back on the job hunt and shortly after found a job. I was kind of excited about the job. The night that I was hired, I was also informed of the “office saying only one of us could be claimed by the friend we were living with.” It was then that I was informed that it was me to go, because the other was “club.” So I figured whatever…. I mean yeah. I was upset. The only reason I was allowed there was because I was a candidate. But it was onward and upward. I assumed that I would get the typical 30 days to move on…. turns out I was only supposed to have 2 weeks. So after a rather intense conversation I decided to head to bed. I had also been told that the associate sleeping on the couch had to ‘move’ as well… turns out lies only work if you run em by everyone first. She was taking over the bedroom the kids slept it….

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I decided to get a move on the next day. Woke up, smoked a cigarette, then started packing. 8 hours later I was loading my belongings into the back of a friend’s truck. I didn’t want to stick around where I wasn’t wanted. I left after that, and I did not look back. However, that still leaves me in limbo as it were. I know where I’m going and I know how I am getting there, I just don’t know when I am going. I don’t like that feeling.. but at least I have a fresh start ahead of me. A blank page and a new beginning. I try to surround myself with positivity now, I’ve spent this entire time with my daughter, my mother and my grandmother.

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My plan from here is easy. Get to Ohio, get a job, find an apartment, and go from there. I wont be trying to make friends, or find a date. If those things happen, they will happen. But they will happen in time, I need to focus on me right now. My daughter will stay with my mother in Colorado, for now. Around Christmas time she will be joining me, I’ll more then likely drive out and get her. There are good schools where I’m going, and my father has horses. She loves the animals, and working in the garden with him.

This is good. It’s something that needs to happen, and it is a situation in which I can actually survive. I look forward to this new life. And honestly? It’ll be nice to get out of the jungle and back to the country. I fit in there.

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On pride and memories… and the beginning of my journey down this crazy path.

Now it’s no surprise to me that my daughter didn’t start loosing teeth until just recently. She’ll be 7 next month by the way. But I must say…. she’s awfully adorable when showing off her gap toothed grin. It brings me to wonder…. was I ever proud of anything as a child?
I must admit I don’t remember much of my childhood. Parents fought a lot, on worked a lot. My great grandmother and my grandfather (or Papa as us kids called him) cared for myself and my younger bother. My mother tells me I was a unruly brat and that I’m lucky to have made it this far. She tells me of the things I did. I would bite myself, and kick and scream. You know? A typical fit that a 3-4 year old would throw, only ten times worse. Sometimes I’m glad I don’t remember. But at the same time…. I don’t really remember being proud of something I did. I don’t remember my friends,  or the first time I rode a bike. So it is here that I admit my fear.
My daughter kicks and screams. She hits the floor, stomps and throws herself around. I can’t help but ask myself is she will end up just like me. Or wonder how I have failed as a parent, just as my father did I’m sure. People assure me constantly that I am doing just fine and that her behavior is totally normal. I’m still not completely confident in their claims.
What can I do, right?

Giving this a try…again…

Been a while since I’ve done any blogging what so ever, So…I suppose I’ll start it out like this…

My name is unimportant. I don’t identify by it most of the time anyways. Friends call me Squeeks, MiNX, or Gypsy. I am a single mother living in Denver, Colorado. No, I don’t snowboard. No, I don’t smoke pot. I lead a pretty dull life.

Wake up. Get ready. Meds. Get my daughter ready. Breakfast. See my daughter off. Facebook. And YouTube. Check on Grandma. More Meds. Sleep, because my lovely insomnia seems to think I am still in college. Hey! More meds! Go get my Daughter. Help with homework, while making dinner. Get my daughter bathed and ready for bed. Get myself ready for bed. Meds. Then lay in bed and stare at the ceiling.

Same routine. Everyday. Only difference on the weekend is no school, and I might get to spend time with my boyfriend.

Ah, the meds. I am “1 in 4” as Ruby Wax says. Since I was 13 I have fought the seemingly never ending battle that comes hand in hand with mental illness. I’m 29 now. Now, while I will admit that it does get tiring at times, it also keeps me on my toes. There is never really a dull moment in my world. So I guess there’s a lot of assumptions about mental illness….. I can only hope that I am none of them.

My mother is one of the “1 and 4” as well, so being as she has more experience with this particular subject manner I tend to look to her rather often for advice. I’d like think that I am rather level headed in my insanity. I live a rather normal life. Only downer is that even on the meds, my moods are sporadic as all get out. I will sometimes find myself wanting to cry for no reason. Or I’ll get really mad about petty things. I don’t like to be cornered, or when people walk behind me. I find it easier to just sit in a corner or against a wall. I’m paranoid of the city. Paranoid of most people even…. ok, so maybe I’m not as super normal as I thought.

I have a 6 year old. She’ll be 7 in February. We live in a house of crazy. Ha! Four generations, all women, and all under the same roof. It’s nice to have family…most of the time. The rest of the time it feels like I’ve been drug to TV Land and I’m a guest on ‘The Golden Girls.’ Only difference is our version is “The Golden Girls on DRUGS.” It’s different… I’ll give it that much.

I’m going to try to keep up on this for as long as I can. So…. if you read, awesome. If not…. awesome. ^_^

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